The sunny spring days have returned in full force and we have been spending almost every minute outside. Lots of adventures since the kids are out of school for spring break. Amazing bird rookery experience yesterday. Discovering ducklings and lots of nests in the middle of a parking lot last night. Our days are good and spending this time with Noah and Camille is good.
But my nights are a different story. I can't sleep. I toss. I turn. I get up to journal. Read. Walk through the quiet house. And yet I continue to feel anxious. I spent most of last night searching through the house and our garage for old photos. I felt a desperate need to look at photos of my dad. Photos of our time in England. Photos of him holding me as a baby. Photos of him at the beach. I didn't find what I was looking for. Instead I got increasingly sad as I realized I don't have enough. I wish I had more. Wanting/needing to replace images from those final weeks in the hospital with better times.They come back to me as flashbacks. Images that have been dormant for several months have returned sometimes sharp, sometimes fuzzy, but still keeping me awake.
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I can relate . . I've had many a sleepless night with my dad on my mind too . . . for different reasons.
Good luck.
I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling this way Lucia. I hope that you start to feel some catharsis just from writing about these very feelings. May you find the peace you're seeking!
Lucia -
I never met your dad - but I am pretty sure the single best 'images' of him are the ones the rest of us see in you. In which case, he had to be a remarkable man.
But I can identify - I once tore up my entire house hunting for a single photograph. Funny how precious those things become.
Sorry your not sleeping.
I understand how important it is to hold something tangible in your hands in order to remember and reflect.
I'm sorry for your sleepless nights. It's so hard to take care of yourself when there is something serious on your mind. I hope you get some sleep tonight.
If it wasn't that one has to be on duty in the morning, the night life of a sleepless person is quite special from time to time: vivid and sharp thoughts quite often, however sad. It's too bad that those images are coming back to you at the wrong time of day, but they mean that you need to work your memories and your grief out. Hope you can have "sweet dreams" soon!
Wishing you peaceful nights and energetic and happy days.
Jan
Sorry that you have been having these sleepless nights. On the plus side, you have so many wonderful memories because of the special relationship you and your father shared. Not only was he so special to you, but you were very special to him. He may not have thought you were very "domestic" (his warning to Adam), but he cherished the woman you had grown to be. He was extremely proud of you, Lucia and that is a wonderful thing to remind yourself. We love you very much and hope you'll soon be sleeping the nights away.
i'm sorry you are having a rough time. i hope all our children love us as much (as adults!) as you loved your dad.
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