April 9, 2009

April is always a busy month. Seems to be the most crowded month on our family calendar for anniversaries, birthdays, and holidays. Usually it is one of my favorite months of the year. We were married in April (just celebrated our 9th anniversary) and my birthday is in April, but this year April also brings with it some sadness and dread. Painful anniversaries related to my dad's surgery and his final weeks of life. On our most recent wedding anniversary I couldn't help recalling one of my last long conversations with my father. Last April. Sitting in an old rocking chair on the back porch of our rental house in South Carolina. Watching the sunset. My father had called to wish us "happy anniversary" and also let us know that he had arrived safely in Baltimore. He also spent a large part of the conversation going over details I didn't want to hear. Details about his wishes, his will, his fears, and his hopes that all would go well with the surgery. I couldn't even bear to think about those things. But he needed and wanted to share them. In retrospect, there are so many things I wish I had asked. Things I wish I had said. I wish I could have prolonged the conversation. Recorded it. Anything to go back in time. Little did I know that I would only hear my father's voice twice more before he died. It's something that still makes me cry. I loved my father's soothing voice. And so here I am in April. A very bittersweet month with more highs and lows to come in the next few weeks.
Anonymous said...

Sorry. Truly.


Dawn said...

Thank you for sharing your highs and lows!
Happy Anniversary! Happy Birthday! Happy Easter! Hugs for the hard moments!

Tisra said...

I get it. Often have that whole thing running through my head about my mom in February (she died of breast cancer 9 years ago). The clash of goodness and grief is a crazy sliver of life. I'm glad Adam was able to be with you.


Corinne said...

I have been thinking of you so often, as I process things, especially at this time of year. I was remembering meeting you for the first time for "real" and wishing you had been my neighbor. I appreciate reading posts about your dad, they feel so real to me, so honest. I feel so lucky to know you and please know that I have cried for you this morning, thinking of your beloved Dad.

Jill said...

I love you Lucia! and I loved your dad(and still do!). So many great memories with your family! Have been thinking about you, and some of the same thoughts you are having, during this time of year. Praying for you and your family!

Francesca said...

You listened to details you didn't want to hear, the questions you didn't ask aren't important (although they are for you now): listening, paying attention, letting sick people talk, that's what they need most, in my experience.
I do understand how certain months can be bittersweet.

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