Day 155

December 9, 2008

Adam told me last week that his return date has now been set for the middle of February (so much better than March!). That happy news sent me to a giddy place. I spent several days smiling to myself, hugging the kids extra tight, and daydreaming about all of the good days ahead. But then those happy feelings were nudged a bit by other feelings. I suddenly missed Adam more than I have in the all of the past few months. Sounds crazy but I think I have been numbed a bit by living in survival mode. Now that the end of this deployment is within sight, I just want it to end and I want him home more than ever. I am sure some of these feelings are also related to the upcoming holidays. And in addition to those feelings of sadness and longing, I am also trying to keep myself calm in the face of another transition. The kids and I will be packing up and moving back right after the holidays. That means another long car trip, another period of re-adjustment, and hardest of all saying good-bye to family and friends here.

When we first arrived in Louisiana, the months ahead seemed so long and I made a list in my head of all the things we would do during that time. Places I loved as a kid that I wanted to share with my kids. People I wanted to see. Projects I thought I would do each night once the kids were in bed. Movies. Keeping in touch with friends with late night phone conversations. It just didn't happen the way I thought it would. I was too tired each night to do anything besides a little blogging and reading. I haven't had the attention span to focus on a movie in months. I have been bad about staying in touch with friends except for occasional e-mails. Our weekly schedules quickly got filled up with soccer and gymnastics. And I had to come to the realization that I am just not able to do everything right now. I am usually able to juggle many things at once. I am usually the one who volunteers for everything and starts up new projects/groups without a second thought. But right now I am not quite myself. These past six months, actually this whole year has really been hard. And I am still reeling from it. I am sure there are lessons to be learned from this past year. I am sure I have I grown stronger from the challenges and losses of this year. But right now I just feel drained and I am ready for a new year. And ready, more than ready for Adam to come home.
Anonymous said...

I hope your new year brings peace to you. I hope it brings lots of wonderful surprises. I hope it brings lots of energy to do the things you want to do. I hope it brings the most wonderful homecoming and your beautiful family will be together again. February...WOW. That's right around the corner. So happy for you. Plus, that exciting move to Sicily/Italy.

I'm home alone with all four this week while Randy is away. I can't imagine doing it myself for as long as you've done it. Just taking care of the necessities would be all I could muster.

So, here's to getting back into the rhythm and flow!


South of Rome said...

Ahah! Just as I suspected, you are HUMAN! You've always amazed me, Lucia and you continue to inspire me. Really and truly, it's never what we think it's going to be-- and maybe we are better for it. Life just forces us to take stock sometimes. But just because 'we are not doing it all' or even just all the things we want to be doing (excluding all those 'should' dos) doesn't mean we aren't getting done the important things. You have such a beautiful family and such a good heart. Your insight is refreshing and your blog is such a joy.

I'm so happy Adam's return is in sight.

By the way, we got a box off to you all today-- and then we realized we forgot to stick the olive oil in it! Oh well, you'll get your own soon enough!


morninglight mama said...

I'm so happy for you that your husband will be home sooner than March-- not having ever been in any similar sort of situation, I can't imagine how much you've missed him. What a way to ring in the new year, but a reunion. :)

And all the other stuff-- let me just say this. If the projects and amazing experiences you've blogged about on here have been only a teeny tiny fraction of what you had imagined you'd do, please know that from an outsider's perspective, I've been amazed and inspired by the delightful things you've made possible for your children. I'm just saying.

I'm wishing you some serious joy, my online friend!

Tara said...

I recognize myself in your words. It took me a solid year to find my bearings after losing my dad. Being without your mate makes it even more difficult. It seems that you've made the very best of a sad and disjointed year.

Anonymous said...

I SOOOOO relate to feeling overwhelmed and having the best-laid plans left to collect dust.

Can't wait to see you. I am (selfishly) so excited for you to come home to Jax. We miss you. Isabel has been following along with the photos on your blog of MeiMei.

See you in a few weeks!

craftymama said...

hey lucia-
what a heartfelt post. between the lines however i see the joy and love and partnership you share with your man, not feeling yourself without him, and it is so sweet. i know you only across the internet, and don't know Adam at all, but i can't wait for your family's reunion!
it will fly by...

Anonymous said...

Hang in there. I can't imagine going through what you are. I definitely think you are far stronger than you realize.

Laurie said...

I'm with Laureen, totally, selfishly ecstatic that you will be HERE soon. Hang in there - you really are going to make it. February is not so far away...

Corinne said...

I'd like to echo Dawn's thoughts also - you constantly inspire me with your creativity and the time you spend with your sweet ones. I am so pleased that your other sweet one will be home soon :)

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