Clutter

Surrounded by a messy house, sleep deprived, and very frustrated. This is not the glowing upbeat post I wish it was. I wish I could blame these feelings on the deployment but unfortunately this state is a familiar one. The piles of papers have reached the point of extreme overflow. The kids' toys seem to have multiplied over night. The bathroom sink is hard to find underneath the jumble of toothbrushes, make-up, and other stuff that gets put down in our mad rush to get to school on time each morning. None of us have been sleeping well and that really ruins things. I had one good night of sleep last week and when I woke feeling refreshed for the first time in quite awhile it only made things worse...like getting a taste of the good stuff and then craving, needing more, more.

I stomp around the house resolved to get it back in shape while at the same time stupidly wondering how this happened. I naively thought that living in our temporary space with so little of our belongings would lead to that life of voluntary simplicity I yearn for...but dirty dishes, laundry, and kid clutter seem unstoppable. I guess the real answer is that it isn't the stuff, it's me. Reminds me of the title of one of my favorite books "Where Ever You Go, There You Are" and it is so true right now. I can't seem to escape my pack ratting, clutter prone self. No matter how many resolutions I make I find myself caught up in the same vicious cycle. I organize, feel good about it, start to slack, get surrounded by clutter, get frustrated until it prompts me re-organize and start the cycle all over again. I guess I was kind of hoping in a smaller space with less stuff I would have an easier time keeping it all in order, but I don't and in my sleep deprived state it makes me feel even more edgy and out of sorts. Now the key is to use my anger to get this mess cleaned up so I can get to that more enjoyable part of the cycle...the part where I breathe a sigh of relief, walk around my clean house enjoying the peace, and wanting to believe that this time things will be different. And maybe while cleaning up I will be able to find my favorite little mediation book underneath all of the clutter...I could certainly use it right now!