Angry, Sad, Kit Kat

June 15, 2008

Orange Slices, Kit Kat bars, Trident gum, Strawberry Icees....why didn't anyone warn me about these foods? These favorites of my dad's that now suddenly make me want to burst into tears while also feeling a compulsive need to eat/buy them whenever I see them. These were foods that my dad loved both before and after his serious diet change (to macrobiotic). When we were kids he would pick us up from school and stop by the 7-11 where he would load us all up with Kit Kats and Icees....this was a big deal since we basically lived a sugar free life at home. Not sure how much my mom was aware of these little stops. But I loved those 7-11 trips. And early in his hospital stay he sent me a birthday package with a lovely book and five packages of Kit Kats...made me cry when I saw those chocolate treats.

Today was hard for me. The first Father's Day without my dad. Actually the past couple of days have been hard. We returned to our house and suddenly I felt overwhelmed with sadness and anger. I know I shouldn't be shocked by these feelings but I think I have been in shock for the past couple of months. Then busy with details mixed with outbursts of crying. Then numb. And now I am pissed. It doesn't seem right to have Father's Day without him here. Like a cranky little girl I want "my daddy". I know he's in a better place. And I know that he will live on in his work, in his grandchildren, in his students, in all those that loved him....but I can not deny it. I am angry and sad and I am going to eat one of those Kit Kat bars tonight.
This was our last photograph together. Saying good-bye in front of my parents' house...January 2008.
Christie said...

Im so sorry for your loss. I lost my mom in 2000. I hate to tell you this, it doesnt get easier, just different. I guess the pain lessens a bit but it still always hurts. They are in a better place and always with you.

morninglight mama said...

You have honored him well in these posts, and your love for him is so apparent. The photo captures that perfect love shared between a father and daughter. Thank you for sharing this with us.

Amy, Ryan, Aidan & Lauren said...

Wonderful post, Lucia. My dad died in May 2006 and I have since experienced such a wide range of emotions about it that I have learned to try to not have any expectations and/or judgments about the feelings and just take them as they come. Don't know if that makes any sense, but I think that's the best way I can explain it. Thinking of you.

Corinne said...

I think it is those small things that deepen relationships. I love that memory of your dad - and the picture of you two together is perfect. I'm still thinking about you, friend.

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