Pockets Full of Rocks

March 21, 2011

Things are a bit off-kilter around here these days. I am engaged in a strange dance between guilt, worry, denial, distraction and everyday life. It started with the sad news from Japan and now has shifted a bit to Libya (if you look on a map you will see how close we really are). In general, I feel like we live in a fairly idyllic little bubble and I want that. I want to create a safe and happy existence for my children, for myself, for Adam.

I haven't really seen any televised newscasts since moving overseas and I think that's a good thing. I don't like having my mind cluttered with disturbing images and sounds. They lodge themselves in my head, in my nightmares and they make my heart race. I try to read the New York Times and listen to NPR on a fairly regular basis to stay abreast of world events, but in general my day to day focus is very narrow and close to home. Until events that are close to my heart happen and then I enter into a battle with myself....the compulsive need to read any and all articles I get my hands on, staying up too late worrying, tossing and turning when I do eventually get to bed. The worry then transforms into antsy energy wrapped in guilt. It's an unpleasant little concoction that leaves me feeling guilty about not doing more and yet desperately craving the mundane tasks of every day. And the icing on top of all that is the overwhelming desire to keep my kids safe and ignorant. I know that for some families it may feel right to talk about these events (especially the Libyan situation) in detail with their kids, but for me it just doesn't feel right.

So that's where I have been lately. 
Well, that's where I've been internally. 

Externally, I have been doing dishes, enjoying a night out with friends, shopping today at Ikea, ignoring Noah's desperate pleas to bring his DS on the bus, making apple tea for the kids, and spending most of this afternoon doing Perler beads with Camille. Doing those everyday tasks that reassure me that life at this moment is ok. More than ok. And yesterday, we had one of our Sunday adventures which led us to a rocky beach. That walk on the beach gave me more relief than anything else in recent days. Waves gently tapping the shore, pockets full of rocks, sand in our shoes, and exhaling, lots of exhaling.
Leslie said...

yes, sometimes being out in nature can help so much to center our thoughts and emotions...

Dawn said...

Oh, Lucia! I don't know why I did not make the connection to how close you are to Libya.
I have had talks with the kids about Japan but have not talked with them about Libya. I am overwhelmed with it all. So much to take in...
My thoughts are with you!

likeschocolate said...

While I do not have as a strong as connection as you do to these events, I too feel a little guilty that they haven't been on my mind more. Do I blog about it? Do I not blog about what is going on my mind and what is effecting my family because in light of these situations my worries seem trivial. I am torn! I do not think you are wrong for not talking about it to your children. They are you and should have what little of their childhood protected. If they came to talk to you about these events then that would be another story. I think the only thing we can do is pray for these countries and their people and go on with our lives with hope of a better world tomorrow.

Corinne said...

When I looked at the map, I was surprised by how close you are to where all the action is happening. Why did I not realize it? I am praying for your safety and for the people in that poor nation. Our planet needs as many prayers as it can get right now, I'm thinking :)

Karen said...

Lucia,
I always enjoy reading your posts and the ones about Japan, especially the paper cranes, really hit home. (And made me cry.) I've felt so sad the past week about what has happened there and I share your feeling of being out of sorts and not sure what to do with yourself.I don't know what the answers are to your questions. I agree that in some ways it feels better not to think about the situations in the world right now, but like you, I find myself reading every news story about Japan and trying to find some hope in what I'm reading.
Maybe it's best said in Japanese, Ganbarimasu; we just do our best and keep all of these people in our thoughts and prayers.

T.L. Holmes Williams said...

I feel the same types of trepidation myself...and I, too, am riddled with a guilt about it, at times. Thankfully (although, I don't mean I'm thankful to not have kids), I do not have to currently worry about explaining my thoughts to children in addition to worrying about my hubby.Ah, what a tangled web we live in...
Sending you positive vibes and uplifting thoughts :D
-Tara

boatbaby said...

Maybe you can make it all better by coming here :)

Emily said...

though i haven't looked at a map i figured you were close to libya because i think i've heard/read about some people being able to flee to italy?

anyway, i get my news from the same sources, for many of the same reasons.

the rocky beach looks and sounds wonderful.

Latest Instagrams

© Dim Sum, Bagels, and Crawfish. Design by FCD.