Second Reading

In the past few months, I re-read two books that made big impressions upon me as an adolescent: Catcher in the Rye and Anne Frank: Diary of a Young Girl. I had been wanting to read both of them again and finally got around to it. Now I kind of wish I hadn't. I remembered feeling such a strong connection to Holden and to Anne. Despite the significant differences in time and setting, their voices and their views of the world felt very similar to mine at the time. The young adult lit world wasn't the busy place it is today and in the classroom setting we mostly stuck to the classics, which is another reason I think these two books stood out for me. They were books that everyone read which meant the classroom discussions were much more lively. Yes, I was an English geek and I loved when I was not the only one who read the book.

So it is now twenty years later and I am a stay-at-home mother of two who decided it would be interesting to return to Anne's and Holden's worlds. But it was different. This time around Holden drove me crazy with his adolescent antics. Very impressive writing on Salinger's part, but I had to force myself to finish reading it. By the time I finished reading it, I didn't want to think about it any more so I didn't even take part in the discussion with my on-line book club.I was so let down. I had remembered Holden in such a fond way...as a spunky, rebellious, but sympathetic guy. Not anymore. I think my mama lens is too thick right now. I am dreading the day my sweet little Noah morphs into some version of Holden, but as I was reading I had to acknowledge that Noah is now closer in age to Holden than I am. That put a damper on things. Wish I could say it didn't, but it did.

And then there was Anne. How did I overlook all of her critical commentary, especially regarding her mother? And how did I forget her frank discussions of sex and her changing body? Well, it turns out I didn't. It turns out that the version I read in 8th grade was the version that was printed under her father's watchful eye. He carefully edited out those judgmental or uncomfortable sections and they didn't make an appearance in print until after his death in 1980. I don't know what version kids read in school these days, but it almost felt like two different books to me. Once again, I am sure my current status as mother, a Jewish mother, was playing into my second reading of the book. I had much more empathy for Anne's parents than I ever did when I read it for the first time.

Anne did not drive me nearly as crazy as Holden did, but I wasn't quite as taken with her as I remembered being the first time. Instead of feeling a strong connection to her, I felt a greater sense of awe and gratitude with this second reading. Especially after visiting The Anne Frank House in Amsterdam for the second time. Just like the book, things have changed a bit with the house, too. Since my first visit to the house in 1994, the house has been gussied up quite a bit with interactive displays, photographs, and moving interviews with those who helped the Frank family, with some of Anne's friends, and even with her father. It is very well-done (including the ease of being able to buy advance tickets on-line, highly recommend that option). Unlike my second reading of the diary, my second visit to the house had a much greater impact.

I think the additional displays contributed to that, but beyond that I now carry the weight of knowing my children could easily have been exterminated just as Anne was. I didn't have that same weight on my shoulders or in my heart when I read the diary and visited the house for the first time. I was sad, I was horrified, but I wasn't nearly as connected to the Holocaust experience as I am now. And that's why am grateful and in awe of what one adolescent, Jewish girl was able to accomplish with her plaid diary. Part of me wishes I hadn't re-read it because I didn't want to see the whiny, critical teen-aged side of her, but after re-visiting the house I am glad I re-read it and in it's full text. She was who she was and thankfully her diary was saved as a record of her voice and her experience. It was nearly 9 pm on a Sunday night as we made our way through their hiding place, there was a long line of people waiting to get in and we were surrounded by people of all ages, ethnic backgrounds, and faiths. Pretty powerful to see that after all these years, a teen-ager's words continue to make such an impact on so many around the world.

So, do kids still read "Catcher in the Rye" and "Anne Frank" in school? I don't think I am up for a third reading of these two books any time soon, but that's because I'll be too busy trying to maintain this current state of denial that my two monkeys will ever be teen-agers.