May

May 16, 2010

I haven't been sleeping well for the past couple of weeks. I have had a pit in my stomach. I cry when I do yoga. I have been secretly eating chocolate icing out of the container in the fridge. I don't want to, but I now hate the month of May with all of it's bright, shiny, cheerfulness. This week marks two years since my dad's death. I am not nearly as angry as I was last year, but sometimes it still catches me by surprise. And I am still very sad. And I miss his voice, his letters, his hands, and seeing him with my children in his lap. May is hard for me because it isn't just the anniversary of his death, it is all of the pain and gut wrenching pleading/praying/hoping that happened in those weeks leading up to his death. I still feel it down in the pit of my stomach. In some ways I want that to end. I don't want to feel this way every May. But a part of me is also scared that if it that clenching in my stomach disappears that means I somehow don't miss him anymore. And I never want that to happen.
LindyLouMac said...

You will always miss him, but the pain will lessen. My pain started when my Dad was still alive as he suffered from Parkinson's a dreadful disease.

boatbaby said...

It's been 9 years since I lost my mom. And I don't get all weepy anymore during the long, hot month that led up to her long drawn out death. But it certainly doesn't mean I miss her any less, or feel it any lee. It just hits me at other random times. And I am better able to savor the good of her and release the horribleness that was the loss of her. It does take time. I wish you love and light and loads more chocolate.

katy said...

oh lucia, my heart goes out to you. take care!

morninglight mama said...

Lucia, I haven't experienced a loss so great, so I can't offer any words of solace, but I can say that I'm thinking of you and I hope your pain lessens, while your memory and love for your dear father only strengthen.

Tisra said...

I fully understand, and you described it well. The push and pull between feeling bad about the ache, and feeling bad about the "moving on". I lost my mom ten years ago this year. And, it does hurt less, which saddens me, but is also natural. This go 'round, on the anniversary of her death, I taught my kids about her (she never met my kids- I was pregnant when she died) and we celebrated all the things she loved and told stories about her. It felt more happy, less sad. I wish I'd done this sooner, but glad we're starting this tradition now. This is also the first Mother's Day I didn't cry.

Laurie said...

Sending you much love...I know how much it still must hurt.

Dana said...

Peace to you, sista.

Juniper said...

Oh my, your post brought tears to my eyes. Am sorry for your loss, even if it was two years ago. I think even when the month of May comes with less sadness and ache and more sun, you will remember your father just as dearly. I have not experienced the death of a parent yet but imagine that it is one of the most painful and significant losses we go through in life.
Sending love and hope your pain lessons with the coming weeks.
-Juniper

T.L. Holmes said...

Sending uplifting thoughts, and blessings your way :)

Jeannette said...

Everyone’s sorrow is unique, but I have always felt the same about May. I lost my brother 23 years ago this Memorial Day. While everyone always gears up for the start of summer, there’s always been a pall over this month for me. This year, in this month of May, I am watching my father relinquish his body to cancer. And the weather has been amazing. Best spring in years. Glorious sunshine abounds. The garden is in ahead of schedule. The lilacs bloomed three weeks early. And despite the beautiful nature around me, I, too am awake at night, cry when I hear certain songs and quiver knowing that my father will not see my boys become men. I don’t have any balm to soothe your sorrow, but know you aren’t alone. Sending hope and peace your way.

Anonymous said...

I can only wish you peace!!!

I have not moving words. Just PEACE.

Jan

aimee said...

my thoughts are with you, lucia. hugs :)

Anonymous said...

Something came to me while I was relating a story to my husband about my cousin. My cousin told me once about how much she missed her momma. (who was one of the most wonderful folks on the face of this earth...awesome lady) She said she kept those memories in a box. (the ones that were too hard to deal with on a daily basis) That box stayed deep within her heart. She would occasionally let the memories out, have a good cry, wish she could be with her again, etc. Then she would put them back in the box and store them back into her heart.

She said as time went by, she was able to keep more and more 'happy' memories outside that box and include them in her daily life. But the others...the ones that made her too sad to be able to make it thru the day, she still kept in the box.

Don't know if that helps but it made sense to me! The box keeps them safe and you know you won't forget them.

Jan

Dawn said...

Oh, Lucia... I will keep you in my thoughts. Peace be yours!

Sara said...

The way you describe your grief is very touching. I'm sorry you lost your father. He sounds like a wonderful man. I'm sure someday May won't be so painful anymore. The trouble with grief is that you just have to live through it. Blessings on you and yours.

Cami said...

This month has the same sort of experience for me now since my grandpa passed last year, and I can see it in my grandma so much. What you need is a good rainy day to reflect your mood--sometimes that feels right.

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

I am sorry for your pain and I do understand. I lost my Dad when I was 23, 37 years ago and it still hurts. That feeling like there's a great, big hole in your stomach does go and a different kind of pain takes its place. But you don't forget, nor would we wish to. He'll always be with you.

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