The Small Things

May 14, 2008

Today was the first good day in awhile. My dad has had some serious setbacks and the past few days have been especially hard for all of us. Each time I prepare to return to Baltimore I have increased anxiety. Worried about what he will look like, worried about what will happen during my trip, worried about returning to the hospital (makes my stomach tense up like watching too many episodes of "ER" at full volume in a small room)...and yet once I get up to his room a lot of that anxiety fades away. The first hour I usually feel sad because a small part of me foolishly hopes that I will walk into the room and find him looking like his old self....sitting there drawing or listening to talk radio and when I don't see that, I feel sad. But after that first hour I find myself feeling a little more comfortable and peaceful just to be by his side. As a result of the complications and his extreme exhaustion, my dad has been pretty unresponsive for the past few days. It is a dramatic contrast to last week when I was in Baltimore and he was so lively and writing so many messages to us. This time he hasn't been able to move much and he hadn't opened his eyes until today. This meant that the smallest movements or indications that he knew we were there suddenly became very powerful. He wiggled his fingers at me on Saturday and that made me smile. He turned his head towards me when he heard my voice yesterday. And today we got an early morning call from my mom telling us to come to the hospital because he was very alert and opening his eyes. We rushed to his room and it felt like such a gift to see his eyes, his smile, and his happiness about being surrounded by his girls.
holly said...

it is the small things, indeed. you and your family are still in my thoughts and prayers.

Michelle said...

I'm sorry it is such a tough time for you right now. My Mom was in the hospital for three months before she died, and what you wrote about going to his hospital room every day describes exactly how I felt when I would visit her. I'm sending prayers and good thoughts to you and your family.

Karen said...

I'm glad you are getting some positive signs. I completely understand what you are going through. I recall when my father spent a month in the ICU. We are praying for you. When does Adam leave?

the clan mccawley said...

Lucia,
It is such a slap in the face to see the strength of your father sapped so. I remember when my dad had major surgery and how difficult it was to see him so weak. He did get well, though, and so will your dad! I will keep praying for your father and your family. I so wish I was in Maryland with my family right now so I could just pop up there and give you a great big hug!
Since I'm not, i'll just hug you here!
BIG HUGS!!
tiff

Anonymous said...

Just dropping in to tell you I'm thinking about you and hope your father continues to make good progress and improvement. Just wanted you to know I"m still thinking about you and praying for your family.

Jan

Laurie said...

Hey Lucia,

Just wanted to pop in to say that I am thinking about you - hoping that you get some more "better" days...I can only imagine how tough this is for all of you.

Ann said...

It's good to see that you are able to see the small, yet big signs from your Dad.

Morena, Andy, Dominic & Christian said...

Your father is in my prayers.

We will be in the MD/DC area this week if you'd like some company!

Corinne said...

I love small miracles!! Isn't it amazing how those small things start to mean so much. I'll keep hoping for more of those :)

Heather said...

Hi Lucia. I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and sending prayers your way.

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